Hi! My name is Dic and I am a paranoiac.
When did this begin?
What the hell are you trying to imply?
Just because you’re paranoid doesn’t mean they’re not out to get you.
Kurt Cobain sang that – and look what happened to him.
He committed suicide.
Hah! Next you’ll be telling me Diana Spencer was killed in an unfortunate road traffic accident!
Well, she was wasn’t she, unless you’re lining up behind Mohamed Al-Fayed…?
No you idiot! That shopkeeper thinks everything’s about him; it was much more serious than that.  Check out the date of death.
Um…31/8/1997…is that supposed to be significant?
A week before the too-close-to-call devolution referendum in Wales and the ‘Princess of Wales’ dies tragically.  Are you aware there is no such thing as coincidence?
Oh, so it was an attempt to sabotage the ‘yes’ vote by designing a crisis to boost rally-round-the-flag Britishness? Who was the organising genius? Prince Philip?
Now you’re getting the picture.
And I suppose JFK wasn’t shot by Lee Harvey Oswald from the Texas Book Depository but by some sinister CIA henchmen on the grassy knoll…?
I do the complex sprung-rhythm implicit Spoonerisms around here…
No doubt you also subscribe to the view that the referee, the IRB, the FFR and the RFU conspired to make sure Wales lost the World Cup semi-final against France…
Oui.
Time’s up Mr Mortimer.  I can confirm that you have a persecution complex with loosening of associations.  Take this chemical cosh twice a day.  That will be £150.  Next!