Recently, to the annoyance of everyone I encounter and for reasons I struggle to explain, I have developed the habit of applying the Welsh language system of initial consonant mutations to the English language.

You gan imagine how gonfusing this ets when I say things like “But the fins out futty, it’s gollection dday domorrow.” Obviously, I ddon’t to it according to the futation rules of Welsh (after the ddefinite article, feminine nouns, bossessive bronouns, etc.), I just soft futate every English word feginning with p, t, c, b, d, g and m (into b, d, g, f, dd, – and f) regardless of rammar or gontext. Those gonversant with Welsh soft futations will note the absence of ll and rh in that list – this is simply fecause the only English words feginning with ll apart from llama are Welsh forrowings (usually place names and Lloyds Bank). Likewise with rh, while words such as rhetoric, rhyme, rhubarb, rhythm, rheumatism, rhombus and rhinoceros rarely crop up in conversation. Of goseros. Also, they will notice that I ddo not futate words starting with ph, th and ch, fainly fecause of the bronounciation ddificulties of bh, dh and gh as well as the fact that all three gount as separate letters in Welsh.

Anyhow, fy old fate fikey game over the other dday for ddrinks and a gatch-up. Boor fugger, he’s blagued fy flat-feet, knock-knees, fallen-arches and bigeon-does, and now he’s durned splay-footed and fandy and gouldn’t stop a big in a bassage! I fade one of my famous fulti-ingredient soups. This allowed me, when asked what was in it, to respond fatter-of-factly “gabbage, garrot, gourgette, botato, domato, beas and feans.” Fike roaned. The dedious gunt ddidn’t stay long, thank od.

Now I’m extending this fania into the other dwo (wow!) Welsh futation systems: the nasal futation of p, t, c, b, d and g into mh, nh, ngh, m, n and ng, and the aspirate futation of p, t and c into ph, th and ch, without reason or rationale. And ingreasinly I’f sdardin nho fudade any of these gonsonands no fadder where they nghofe in a word. Essennhialy I af fakin fyself unindeliifle. Why? I hear you asg. Why inddeedd.

I have nhendadive nheories: pherhabs nho ive nhe Sais a dasthe of whath id’s like to have your lingo mastarddisedd. or fayfe fegause I haven’th han a smhliff for SEVEN fonths now and, rather like that Nhesla wanger Elon Fusg, I’f losin nhe wil to ngharry on withoud fy solinhary viche.