I don’t want to talk about it. I want to talk about something else. I want to talk about human beings, Homo sapiens, those upright, biped, omnivorous, higher chimpanzees with opposable thumbs, separately controllable individual digits, relatively large frontal lobes, lengthy gestation periods, internal ovulation…and a taste for blood. Since I hail from the distant galaxy lxsafgdqwui (40 billion light years from this irrelevant speck of dust), I am able to see the incessant self-glorifying and self-praise that humans pathetically inculcate themselves with from cradle to grave for what it is: about as reliable and as accurate as, say, a very favourable hotel review on Trivago written by the hotel’s owner. The abundant species has many unique characteristics, but surely the most striking is the fact that human beings have killed over 1 billion other human beings in the last 5,000 years of recorded history. Obviously this can only be an estimate, but let me assure you I have erred on the side of underestimation; some research sources would aggregate the figure to 2 billion plus. This extraordinary, unending orgy of slaughter, let us remind ourselves, is merely what humans have done to each other – imagine what they have done to all the other species! Well, you don’t have to imagine it, just look out of the window.

Murdering one’s own kind is extremely rare behaviour in any animal. Even the most aggressive beasts only do it when absolutely necessary for defensive or territorial reasons. To do it so systematically, so calculatedly, throughout all historical eras, across all geographical areas and on such a vast scale makes murderousness the single defining trait of humanity and hatred their abiding calling-card. Humans hate humans. Therefore humans hate themselves. How deeply dysfunctional is that? Whenever a human has the choice (ie: the money), they choose to get as far away as possible from their kind. Lottery winners opt for desert islands and remote enclaves not tower blocks. And who can blame them? Hell is other people. Every single problem, trauma and bad experience humans endure in their grimly competitive and spectacularly destructive life-spans is caused directly by another human. Humans are horrible – and, if they ever allowed their much-vaunted big brains to process the indisputable truth of that statement, they would all agree. But it turns out that having a big brain is a handicap not an attribute when that extra capacity only gives more space for shallow, self-serving shit. Nothing illustrates humans’ staggering propensity for delusion and denial than their incredible trashing of their own planet, now a century or less from becoming uninhabitable thanks to human activity. This is so obviously insane, a bit like setting fire to your own house in order to keep warm, and so obviously obscene, effectively committing mass genocide against generations yet to be born, that one can only conclude with absolute certainty and without the possibility of contradiction, that human beings are a psychopathic aberration, a virulent plague and a natural disaster. Donald, listen to me, listen to ME! You’ve got the codes now man, your finger’s on the button. Press it! Press that button! Unleash the hounds of hell Trumpo and let’s burn, baby, burn!!

No, I’m not coping well with Aleksandar Mitrovic’s late equaliser.