Emergency services, which service do you require – ambulance, fire, police or coastguard?

Um…the police I suppose.

Hold the line caller, connecting you now.

South Wales Police control centre, please state the problem.

Hi. I want to report the worst crime imaginable, a crime of such magnitude that it exceeds the sum total of all other crimes ever committed: the murder of our planet, and thus the murder of 8 billion humans plus all the other life forms that inhabit Earth, and all its potential future life in perpetuity. This cold-blooded crime is being knowingly and deliberately undertaken right now, is already killing thousands annually and is guaranteed to get exponentially worse unless halted immediately. There can be no excuses, no forgiveness, no rehabilitation and no punishment severe enough for the perpetrators of this staggering, horrifying assault on the very ecosphere upon which all life depends. These perpetrators are known and at large. Primary responsibility can only belong to those with the power to stop the insanity: USA, UK, China, France and Russia, the five permanent members of the United Nations Security Council. Since mass extinction, the annihilation of nature, runaway climate change and catastrophic contamination are global issues, it can only be the United Nations, the planet’s sole global body, that can hope to tackle them. And since the UN is completely controlled by the Security Council, the five nation states with the power to impose and implement the actions required, as well as the power to delay and veto any action at all, it is the leadership of those criminally reckless, negligent, destructive and malevolent five nation states who must be apprehended right now. That means Donald Trump, Theresa May, Xi Jingping, Vladimir Putin and Emmanuel Macron. I demand that you requisition the necessary forces to put all five behind bars, preferably on public display in cages at The Hague wearing orange jumpsuits with their heads shaved…

Let me stop you there sir. I am going to have to pass your call on to my supervisor. Hold the line please.

Hullo. Is anyone there? Hullo?

Oh fuck it.