Ulysses abridged

With apologies to James Joyce (1882-1941) and Homer (c750BC-c650BC)

Yes Blooms is open again after that fire got a decent bookshop aye O I saw yours there reduced to clear Newport Road is the longest road in Cardiff bet you didn’t know that but Cardiff Roads not the longest road in Newport dont know what is mind road to hell most likely no not a mug dont use a mug its common use a cup and saucer the standard of driving is terrible the speed they go down here should be cameras O but we dont want speedhumps they ruin your suspension Leo’s bad coughing like a brokenwinded old horse bowel trouble too on the throne all the time like a thief in the night Mr Davies does the garden lost an eye in the steelworks hot shard done the deed alas they put him on the brush never complains fair dos no compost bins I told him not having maggots dancing a calypso here hes a pro tea up more cake give the kid more cake give her a whole half whoa thats enough to sink a ship how many beans make five my lovely got her fathers nose like you me us cant understand all the fuss about Cilla Black pages and pages of it voice like a wailing banshee O fetch the biscuits Mrs Lester comes in once a week and does for me she can get through the biscuits thighs thicker than an ox they call her fat Bet in the buildings fries everything in lard poor dab I suppose youve heard Helen kicked him out what it is found messages on his phone seeing other women he was the bloody fool never knew how to conduct himself familys the most important thing she made a lovely nest the lotuseater threw it all away end up in Whitchurch he will you watch sarcasm is the lowest form of wit you can lead a horse to water dont spoil the ship for a haporth of tar keep your own counsel hardly ever go into town anymore dont like it nowhere to spend a penny long journey home I get the park and ride Eastern Avenue O the Rogers have built an extension breakfast room she calls it breakfast room I ask you worked in Morgans The Hayes for so long the pottery on Rumney common did her a plate he sold cars Penarth Road do anything for a quick buck Ill put the kettle on now in a minute nothing on telly is awful who is that nauseating man Swansea won O nothing will mollify.

I was a spirit of the forests yes when I cycled through the lanes up to the bluebell woods yes and how he hoisted me over Ruperra wall and I thought well as well him as another and then I led him with stealth to the Castle yes and then he asked me if I ever yes to say yes my black brook tadpole and first we climbed the tower yes and then we ran down to the river so we could feel the cold water all muddy yes and his eyes were shining like stars and yes I said yes I am Yes.