Decree (1/2084) from the Planetary Emergency Government

In order to save the Earth, these policies shall now be implemented:

■ Mass sterilisation of all males
■ Free abortion on demand
■ Free euthanasia on demand
■ All resources, energies, technologies and work devoted entirely to the task of restoring the natural world, cleaning and repairing the contaminated, trashed planet and eradicating humanity’s destructive impact 

Thus the following are now illegal for all 12 billion humans:

■ Procreation
■ The nuclear family
■ Religion
■ Private property
■ Private wealth
■ Economic growth
■ Competition
■ Profit
■ Trade and Commerce
■ Meat, all animal products
■ The killing of any other creature or plant
■ The building of any structure
■ The manufacture of any product
■ Plastic, concrete, fossil fuels
■ Private transport, tourism, travel
■ Fashion, obsolescence, advertising, individualism
■ Entertainment, distraction, ‘fun’, recreation

Compulsory re-education programmes for all ages will commence immediately, intensively teaching that:

■ Human beings are not special, merely a particularly venal and vicious mammal that has committed the indescribably immense and unforgivable crime, either actively or passively, of destroying the rest of the natural world and nearly rendering the entire planet uninhabitable
■ Anything that lionises, aggrandises, glorifies or applauds human beings or human nature, collectively or individually, is a brazen lie
■ The only acceptable characteristics in a person are deep shame, heartbroken grief, profound seriousness, acute intelligence and understanding, and the unshakeable determination to make amends and put things right

This order supersedes all previous orders. Refusal to comply will result in the usual penalty, with no right of appeal.

Issued by PEG, Tristan Da Cunha