Before joining the Crusades, an English knight made sure his Lady stayed faithful by fitting her with a chastity belt. He locked the armoured contraption securely and, not wishing to lose the only key in his years away, he entrusted it with his most loyal servant. He then set off from his castle on his horse but had hardly gone any distance when the servant came running after him.

“My Lord! My Lord!” cried the serf.
“What’s the matter?” asked the knight, pulling up his horse.
“You gave me the wrong key!”

***

Bert, a male transexual, bumped into Chloe, a female transexual in the High Street.

“Who was that gentleman I saw you with last night?” asked Bert.
“That was no gentleman, that was my husband!” replied Chloe.

***

What’s the difference between Margaret Thatcher and Boris Johnson?

One starved miners, the other starves minors.

***

A man booked a session with a psychiatrist.

“What seems to be the problem?” asked the psychiatrist.
“I think I’ve got suicidal tendencies,” the man replied.
“Before we continue, I’d like you to pay in advance,” said the shrink.

***

A visitor to Cardiff phoned the C2C helpline.

“I wonder if you know where I can get some capers,” he asked.
“Try the top of Bute Park after dark,” came the instant response.

***

One bloke to another in the pub:

“A bird has shat all over my car windscreen and it’s going to take ages to clean off. I’m definitely not going out with her again.”

***

An elderly couple were lying in bed one night when the wife asked the husband:

“If I died, would you marry again?”
“What a silly question,” he responded, “Now go to sleep and stop being so daft.”

The next night she said, “If I died, would you have an affair?”
“Don’t talk such nonsense,” he said, “Go to sleep and stop being so morbid.”

The next night she said, “If I died, would you get rid of my golf clubs?”
“No, of course not,” he answered, “She’s left-handed.”

***

A man was crossing a narrow rope bridge over a deep canyon when he saw an attractive young woman approaching from the other direction. There wasn’t room for two people to pass each other on the bridge so he didn’t know whether to block her passage or toss himself off.

***

A husband, returning from the pub, confronted his wife:

“I’ve just heard the window-cleaner boasting that he’s had sex with every woman in this street except one.”
“I bet that’s the stuck-up bitch in number 12,” replied the wife.

***

Thinks…I still can’t get used to this damn WordPress block editor…