Flogging a dead horse

12.00 midnight WESTMINSTER

TORY SELLING PLATE
Age: Juveniles only; Class: None; Distance: Far too long; Surface: Synthetic; Going: Sloppy; Prize: £164k per annum + expenses + luxury free stabling + backhanders + consultancy fees + company directorships + bribes

1 Bad
Blue/black filly by Enoch out of Aunt Jemima
Jockey: L Anderson; Trainer: B Johnson
Form: 0-0
2 Don’t Trust
Grey mare by Impervious To Reason out of Cruel Britannia
Jockey: T Coffey; Trainer M Thatcher
Form: 0-0
3 Doormat
Skewbald hinny by Warmonger out of Lady Bountiful
Jockey: M Fabricant; Trainer: G W Bush
Form: 0-0
4 Key Hunt
Dun colt by Money Laundering out of Silver Spoon
Jockey: A Mitchell; Trainer: Crown Prince MB Salman
Form: 0/F-U
5 Pretty Pathetic
Brindle mare by Visit Rwanda out of Nasty Bitch
Jockey: N Farage; Trainer: I Amin
Form: 0-0
6 Rich’n’slack
Brown donkey by Tax Fiddle out of Hedge Fund
Jockey: R Jenrick; Trainer: G Sachs
Form: 0-F
7 Savage
Bay mule by Tax Avoidance out of Islamophobia
Jockey: S Double; Trainer: R Giuliani
Form: 0/0-F
8 Shit ‘Appens
Chestnut gelding by Fagin out of Gridlock
Jockey: G Eustice; Trainer: D Cameron
Form: F/F-0
9 Shrivelled Brain
Sooty dam by Imperialist Stooge out of Whiter Than White
Jockey: S Baker; Trainer: Daily Mail
Form: 0/0
10 Tugging It
White stallion by Stratospheric Privilege out of Powderpuff
Jockey: D Green; Trainer: B Netanyahu
Form: 0/0-R
11 Z-lister
Dark Bay hack by Oil Slick out of Property Portfolio
Jockey: B Lewis; Trainer: J Archer
Form: 0/0

Latest Odds: 2-1 Rich’n’slack; 6-1 Don’t Trust, Doormat; 8-1 Tugging It; 10-1 Key Hunt; 14-1 Savage; 16-1 Z-lister; 25-1 Shrivelled Brain; 33-1 Bad; 50-1 Pretty Pathetic, Shit ‘Appens

VERDICT (from our Racing Correspondent Dic Turpin): In a low quality contest between untalented asses many don’t merit consideration. Pretty Pathetic (blinkered), Bad (cheekpieces), Shrivelled Brain (tongue-strapped), Z-lister (wears visor) and Savage (hood fitted) have no form at all and none are likely to appeal to conservative racegoers who loathe horses of colour. Shit ‘Appens is horribly exposed, Key Hunt needs others to falter and Tugging It has too much to prove. The only thing going for Doormat is that nobody has heard of her, while Don’t Trust is an unreliable maiden prone to extreme rightward lurches. Favourite Rich’n’slack is a self-regarding show-pony who will need a severe whipping to overcome his pigmentation handicap. Therefore preference is for off-the-card incumbent Big Liar to pull off a surprise and win again by proroguing the race and declaring it null and void.