At this time of year I take seasonal work writing jokes for Christmas crackers…

What’s the difference between a commuter and an athlete? One races for a train, the other trains for a race.

What’s the difference between a bad marksman and a constipated owl? One shoots and can’t hit, the other hoots and can’t shit.

What’s the difference between a goldfish and a goat? One mucks about in fountains, the other fucks about on mountains.

What’s the difference between a blocked duct and a compulsive masturbator? One develops raw cysts, the other develops sore wrists.

What’s the difference between a kitchen maid in a stately home and Carwyn Jones? One washes quails, the other quashes Wales.

What’s the difference between Edward Snowden and Donald Trump? One’s a tasty nerd, the other’s a nasty turd.

What’s the difference between human sewage and Britain? One rules the waves, the other waives the rules.

What’s the difference between a gay Tory and a British newspaper? One’s a racist fag, the other’s a fascist rag.

What’s the difference between Queen Elizabeth II and Theresa May? One’s a vogue regina, the other’s a rogue vagina.

What’s the difference between a squaddie blown up at the Battle of the Somme and Dic Mortimer? One’s a rocked blighter, the other’s a blocked writer.

What’s the difference between a Swiss Army Knife and a drug dealer? One pulls stones out of horses’ hooves, the other hawks horse to stoned pooves.

What’s the difference between someone who lives close to a timber plantation and a paedophile priest? One can see the occasional forester, the other fancies the occasional chorister.

What’s the difference between Jonathan Ross and a Brexit voter? One has problems with his ‘R’s, the other has problems with his white rancour.

What’s the difference between a string of lame, mildly offensive spoonerisms and a thoroughly-researched, well-written, powerful piece of serious writing? None. I don’t make a difference.