We’re living in mundane times

Gerry Barrington and Teddy Frobisher popped round for a (socially distanced) catch-up

Great to see you! Come in! And you can take that grubby mask off Gerry, I’ve had my jabs.

But I’m not wearing a mask. That’s my beard.

Let me take your bobble-hat Teddy.

That’s not a bobble-hat, it’s my new hair-piece. Put the kettle on, we’ve got a box of assorted cakes.

Ooh, lovely! What cakes?

Well, there’s a jam tart, a fondant fancy, a cream horn, a vanilla custard…

Have you a spotted dick?

Yes, but I’m putting ointment on it.

Any Eccles?

I’m putting ointment on them too.

Gerry, you’re making me nervous standing up in the middle of the room like a spare part – for heaven’s sake take the weight of your club foot and sit down.

I’m sitting down already – ever since the op I use this shooting stick as a seat…

Don’t get up too quickly or it’ll come with you!

Teddy says all I need is a pair of binoculars and a trilby cap and I’d look like a poacher on a country hunt. At least I think that’s what he said…

We had a terrible incident on the way here. I accidentally invaded the two metre bubble of a big butch belligerent body-builder. “You surely wouldn’t hit an elderly homosexual in glasses,” I pleaded.

What happened?

“You’re right,” she said, “take the glasses off.”

Any other news?

Last week we ate kebabs delivered to the front door.

Did you have the Shish?

Yes, all through the night and the following day. If that wasn’t bad enough, I had an accident in the Aldi car-park. Luckily there was no real damage, just a few minor scratches on the vulva.

You mean Volvo.

I know what I mean.

I’ve had a spot of trouble myself with a hi-anus hernia.

I think you mean hiatus.

I know what I mean.

I’ve started aerobics classes in Farteg.

You used a diphthong!

No, no, I went in a mankini.

Let’s play Charades. I’ll start.

It’s a film.

One word

Four syllables.

You’re going to do the whole thing in one mime.

He’s getting his penis out!

Anaconda – d’uh. My turn.

It’s a film.

And a book.

Four words.

You’re going to do the whole thing in one.

He’s baring his arse!

The Grapes of Wrath – d’uh. That’s enough. Listen, there’s something important I’ve been meaning to ask you. Do you pronounce the word s-c-o-n-e to rhyme with moan, gone or boon?

I rhyme it with johnny.

Well, pony actually.

And how about v-a-s-e, do you rhyme it with bars, haze or cause?

Lazy.

Well, khazi actually.

I was only asking. Did I tell you about my altercation with the police? A sniffer dog smelt skunk weed on my double-denim.

What did you say when they told you anything you say can be taken down and used as evidence?

Knickers.

We had a surprise the other day. A big lorry pulled up outside the house and its fork-lift truck deposited two enormous crates at our front door.

What was in them?

Jumbo packs of incontinence pads and the results of Teddys criminal record check.

Are you staying long? If you like I can do you a fork supper and tapas…

So I sent the script off to the Head of Commissioning at BBC Cymru Wales, along with this. I’m so excited! Fire the Tuckers!