Teddy Frobisher and Gerry Barrington popped round

Do come in, it’s been ages since I last saw you…crikey, why is your face covered in bandages Gerry?

guh guh guh

He can’t speak at the moment.

Oh dear, what happened?

His cosmetic surgery went a bit wrong.

Cosmetic surgery? I didn’t know he was having cosmetic surgery…

Yes, he decided he wanted a face lift – fewer lines, fuller lips, that sort of thing. They used tissue from his backside as filler.

So what went wrong?

His arse rejected him.

When will the bandages come off?

He’s on a waiting list for corrective surgery.

How does he eat?

He doesn’t, it’s liquids only at the moment. But that’s not a problem, he can drink through a straw via that little hole in the bandage. He was never a big eater anyway.

At last his late-stage alcoholism has come in handy! I’ll fix us all some cocktails, I’ve got Margarita or Negroni.

guh guh guh

Gerry says he’ll have a mix of both, he’s got a box of straws with him. I’ll have a Negroni.

Bottoms up – or in Gerry’s case padding up…

We went to the pictures to see The Odyssey at the multiplex. The queues to get in were so long there were stewards to keep order. One of them yelled “far queue!” at me.

Did you do as he asked?

No, I just shouted “fuck you too” and we went to the nearest pub.

I went to my local pub yesterday. Had a fascinating interaction with a man they call the orifice.

You mean the oracle.

I know what I mean.

guh guh guh

Gerry says please could he have another drink. I had an encounter with a traffic warden last week. He asked me if I could make a U-turn.

How did you reply?

I told him if I had a pair of wellies I could make her eyes water.

More likely tickle her to death, if I remember your apparatus correctly.

I’ve never been so insulted!

You should get out more.

I’m not going to sit here and be slandered.

Stand up then.

guh guh guh

Would you be so kind? The trouble with Gerry is a drink always wants another drink.

I understand, Teddy. The other day an elderly neighbour paid me to give her cunnilingus, but I had to stop almost immediately. “Maud, you’ve got a prawn in your fanny,” I said. “Don’t be daft that’s a clitoris,” she responded.

What did you say?

“Well it tastes like prawn to me”.

I went to the Indian takeaway and asked for Aloo Sag.

Any luck?

Yes, the man behind the counter told me to try the magic roundabout after midnight.

I keep getting anonymous phone-calls.

Who from?

guh guh guh.

Gerry wonders if it would be possible to have another drink.

Of course. Coming up.

How’s the writing going?

I’m working to tight briefs.

If they chafe, rub in some Savlon.

guh guh guh

I get it, Gerry wants another drink, but unfortunately he’s drunk the house dry…

In that case we’ll make a move now. I’d better get him home before he has another delirium tremens spasm…