Russia 0 Wales 3

WOW! Playing fabulous football, we thrashed the world’s biggest nation, won Group B and are through to the last 16! I’ve died and gone to heaven – and I must say it’s great up here, sipping ambrosia to the sound of trumpets while hosts of beaming, benevolent angels attend to my every whim and fancy (God, incidentally, turns out to be a Cocker Spaniel with a highly developed sense of irony).


Amazingly, it is becoming increasingly apparent that Wales are the most skilful, entertaining team in the tournament and that Gareth Bale, Aaron Ramsey and Joe Allen are the three best players. It therefore follows that we could actually be crowned European champions in July – so long as we don’t lapse into the sort of jittery nervousness and downtrodden inferiority complex our colonial bullies England brought out of us. But I really must stop thinking such crazy thoughts: Gabriel is running a bath and I like my asp-milk warm.