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Dirt: Soft  Turf: Turd

12.30 British Prime Minister Selling Stakes (Class Z)

100y crooked course (Tory HQ to Palace of Westminster)

Winner: Basic salary – £150k pa, Perks – £3.5m pa, Pension – £150k pa, Expenses – infinite, Moonlighting – think of a number For: Privately-schooled pampered asses controlled by authoritarian foreign regimes Weights: Rigged

1 O//F/OFF- BAD JOKE (USA) age: 55 weight: 18-7
bottle blond hack by Xenophobe out of Widdecombe
Trainer: M Thatcher Owner: D Trump Jockey: Ray Cyst

2 POO-POO CORONATION HUNT (ENG) age: 52 weight: 13-0
just for men gelding by Daddy’s Money out of Vacant
Trainer: M Thatcher Owner: BUPA Jockey: I M Becile

Betting: 1-100 Bad Joke, 100-1 Coronation Hunt

VERDICT (by our racing correspondent Dic Turnip): A meaningless walkover staged to give the impression that the winner hasn’t been decided already by a few Tory nags, foxhunters, carthorses and crazed mustangs from the Farage stable. Blinkered, hooded and tongue-strapped, Coronation Hunt is merely the one-paced, low-grade stalking horse clearing the course for buffoonish show pony Bad Joke to swagger to victory. Bad Joke is a short-tempered, deceitful brute with mental health issues and has spent most of his lazy, parasitic career in the stud farm – failing to satisfy a sequence of bucking fillies who expected a hung stallion not the rear end of a pantomime horse – while spreading destructive viruses around the land with stinking horseshit. Since the animal is arrogant, delusional, inept, sordid, treacherous, dumb, nasty and ugly, he precisely represents the quality of British bloodstock and will make a worthy winner. They shoot humans, don’t they?