It’s a lovely day tomorrow

If it’s cock-eyed optimism, all’s-well-with-the-world sanguinity, head-in-the-sand hopefulness and Pollyanna positivity you’re looking for – you’ve come to the right place!

Compiled especially for the clinically depressed who can’t bear the slightest suggestion of reality, I’ve collected a few of the relentlessly rose-tinted, pathologically upbeat slogans of those with a vested interest in your happiness: the Advertising Industry. Described by George Orwell (1903-1950) as “the rattling of a stick inside a swill bucket” and by Will Rogers (1879-1935) as “the art of convincing people to spend money they don’t have on something they don’t need”, advertising is now at saturation level, it’s crass lies hounding all 8 billion of us from cradle to grave via countless commercial TV channels and the sinister surveillance algorithms of Big Tech on our obligatory phones. The formulaic catch-phrases and tag-lines cooked up to shift product by the pimps of capitalism, aka ‘creatives’, don’t have to be clever or original. On the contrary, it’s quite enough to churn out preposterously over-reaching, frantically demotic, vague feel-good abstractions and the corny old patter of the self-help huckster and the motivational speaker; ubiquitous, unavoidable, hammered home hard-sells that manipulate and pander to the lowest, dumbest, worst instincts. Oh, nearly forgot: everything is great and everybody is wonderful and things go better with coke, you lucky, lucky people. And, because you’re worth it, here’s a random and by no means complete list:

CARS
Sheer Driving Pleasure (BMW)
Drive = Love (Chrysler)
Go Further (Ford)
The Power of Dreams (Honda)
Small Wonder (Volkswagen)
The Future of the Automobile (Mercedes-Benz)
Don’t Dream It, Drive It (Jaguar)
Have Fun Out There (Jeep)
Life is a Journey. Enjoy the Ride (Nissan)
Today, Tomorrow, Toyota (Toyota)
Go Beyond (Land Rover)
Vorsprung durch Technik [Progress through Technology] (Audi)
There is no Substitute (Porsche)
Driving is Believing (Hyundai)
The Power to Surprise (Kia)
Simply Clever (Skoda)
Driven by Passion (Fiat)
Motion and Emotion (Peugeot)
Way of Life (Suzuki)
Just Imagine What Citroen Can Do For You (Citroen)
Isn’t Life Brilliant? (Vauxhall)

TECH
Fibre, Further and Faster (BT)
Together We Can (Vodafone)
Believe in Better (Sky)
Inspire the World. Create the Future (Samsung)
Think Different (Apple)
Be What’s Next (Microsoft)
Work Hard. Have Fun. Make History (Amazon)
See What’s Next (Netflix)
We’re Better, Connected (Virgin Media)
Make. Believe (Sony)
A Better Life. A Better World (Panasonic)
What’s Happening (Twitter)
Move Fast Together (Facebook)
Every Day Better (Amazon)

FINANCE
Everywhere You Want to Be (Visa)
Opening up a World of Opportunity (HSBC)
The Future of Money (Mastercard)
Don’t Leave Home Without It (American Express)
We Are What We Do (NatWest)
By Your Side (Lloyds)
Fluent in Finance (Barclays)
It’s a People Thing (Halifax)
We’re Electrifying (LV)
Value From Ideas (Santander)
On Your Side (Nationwide)

TOURISM
Flying in the Face of Ordinary (Virgin Atlantic)
Discover Your Smile (TUI)
Imagine Where We Can Take You (EasyJet)
To Fly. To Serve (British Airways)
Don’t Miss Out. Holidays are Go (Jet2)
The Happiest Place on Earth (Disneyland)
Welcome to the World (Cunard)
Holidays as Varied as You (P&O)
Epic Summer Breaks (Haven)
Made to Travel (Expedia)
Where Extraordinary Happens (Royal Caribbean)
Get Together Again (Center Parcs)
Let’s Go (Thomas Cook)
Travel Worth Talking About (Kuoni)
Booking Good (Best Western)

MISCELLANEOUS
For Every Story (Pandora)
Let Nature Lift You (Airwick)
Every Little Helps (Tesco)
Too Good to Miss. Hurry (Furniture Village)
Feel Good Your Way (Hey Car)
Find Your Groove (Fibregel)
Make Good Things Happen (Morrison)
Kills 99.9% of Bacteria and Viruses (Dettol)
Naturally (Garnier)
Anything But Ordinary (M&S)
Get the Asda Feeling (Asda)
See More for Less (Vision Express)
Dun Your Way (Dunelm)
Try It Now (Allevia)
Love Your Skin (Bio-oil)
Be More Free (Freemans)
It’s Who You Play With (William Hill)
Never Be Afraid to Laugh (Tena Lady)
Discover Your Story (Cardiff University)

Without properly bothering with all the sectors such as food, drink, gambling, clothes, furniture, cosmetics, property, etc, that lot is surely enough to fill all but the most world-weary, misanthropic reader with joy and inspiration. Can I stop now?