Carols for Christmas 2017

To the tune of O Come, All Ye Faithful

O come, all ye facile,
Brainwashed and compliant,
Come ye, o come ye to shopping mall!
Spend all your money,
Put the rest on plastic!

O come, buy loads of rubbish,
O come, get into deep debt,
And then deluded masses
Call it “love”.

To the tune of We Three Kings

These three things are seasonal tropes:
Rows and stress and truculent mopes.
Vile relations cause vexations
While Uncle Percy gropes.

O day of horror, day of fright,
Day of morons getting tight.
Never-ending, soul-destroying,
Free me from this utter shite!

To the tune of O Little Town Of Bethlehem

The spittle down old grumpy’s chin
Emits a noxious scent,
Part gravy gloop, part trifle slops,
Part oozing Fixodent.

In mortifying paper hat,
The pointlessness must rile
Of Christmases throughout the years
That never made him smile.

To the tune of Away In A Manger

Away with the fairies, his shoes on in bed,
The pissed dypsomaniac laid down his bruised head.
Wines, beers and spirits – the soak polished off each
Well before Bet Windsor’s routinely dull speech!

To the tune of The Holly And the Ivy

The silly and the greedy,
So thoroughly coerced,
Of all the seasons’ yearly cycles,
Make winter far the worst

The trashing of the planet
For an orgy of sheer waste
And sickly sentimentality –
O Cromwell had good taste!

To the tune of Ding Dong Merrily On High

Let’s just rapidly get high,
That cocaine requires chopping,
Fill bong snappily, let’s fly,
There’s pills we could be popping.

Gloria, this acid is excellent!
Gloria, this ketamine is…exit.

To the tune of Silent Night

Spiteful night, callous night,
Foodbank queues, homeless plight,
Fit-for-work tests, attack the poor,
Billionaires demand even more.
Sheep in complacency
Sleep in ignorant bliss.

To the tune of Hark! The Herald Angels Sing

Hark! The TV adverts yell
Welcome to free market hell,
Commoditise the very young,
Teach them how to take a bung.
Passive, all the admass stare,
Ninety channels of dire fare
For slobs who only like crap
And snobs who swallow raw pap.
Heck! Old Auntie’s piss-poor shtick
Makes those ads look fresh and slick!